Philadelphia Real Estate Helpful News and Views

  Doctor or Computer

  One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
 elbow
 hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

 "Listen, you don't
 have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic
 computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell
 you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs
 ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine
 sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars
 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the
 sample
 into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
 printout:

 "You have tennis elbow.. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
 heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
 Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology
 was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample
 from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
 from
 himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to
 Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the
 following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
 water softener. (Aisle 9)
 2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with
 anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her
 into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a
 lawyer.
 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
 get better!
 Thank you for shopping @
 Costco!

sent in by Arnie resident at Delaire Landing

author unknown

Selling or Buying a Home is No Laughing Matter!

I get the job done with a smile and experience!   

HelpfulHannah Philadelphia Real Estate

Agent at Re/Max Eastern inc 215 953 8800

 215 820 3376 cell phone

sent in by Arnie from Delaire Landing

EVER  WONDER .....
Why the  sun lightens our hair, but darkens our  skin?  

 You know that indestructible  black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane  out of that stuff?!  

 

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean
2.5 gallons?'



The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'






(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )













The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my
eyes.'

Laughter is the best medicine!  

author unknown                                                                                                         joke sent by Arnie

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas
walks out in the street and sees a
 blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but
his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks
 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road
and this pretty little red head asks me
 to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks
 me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt
and asks me to pull off my pants...
So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties
 and asks me to pull off my shorts...
so I did.


Then she gets on the bed
and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

Laughter is the Best Medicine!

Always Look at the Brighter Side of Life !

This Joke was sent in by Arnie ..the author is unknown

Thinking of Buying or Selling ?

Please give Call Me!

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
 She called on him and said, 'Larry!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
 Larry quickly replied,
 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals.
 One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
 if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
 Larry asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Author unknown                                                                                                 sent in by Will

Laughter is the best medicine

Looking for Home please call me at 215 -992 -1735 or my cell 215 820 3376

Dust if you Must
LADIES!!! Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

A house becomes a home when you can write
 'I love you' on the furniture.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect -
in case someone came over.
Finally I realized one day that no one came over;
they were all out living life and having fun!

NOW, when people visit,

I don't have to explain the 'condition’ of my home
They are more interested in hearing about the things
I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!

Dust if you must .......
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture
or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake

and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time . . ... ...
with soda to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
 music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must,

but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes,
 the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind,
old age will come and it's not kind.

And when you go - and go you must -
 you, yourself will make more dust!

author unknown                                                                                 sent in by Elaine

MURDER AT WAL-MART...

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage,
 a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy
 on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for
 snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,
 so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
 Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as
down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Super Wal-Mart store.
 There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting
 woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor ...

The manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
 had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
 were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store ..

Under intense questioning at the police station,
 Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,

including his unusual financial arrangements
 with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...











(You're going to hate me for this ...)









'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'




Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends.  Arnie sent it

author unknown

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,                     

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there, its theBullshit andAss Kissing that will put you over the top.






Now I know why some people are where they are!

A Blonde calling her mom.......... :

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the  head."

"What on earth - why did you do that   ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker!!!!!!

author unknown                                 sent in by Arnie

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,

what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch,

 on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping

up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good.

Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot the little bastard!

author unknown                                             sent by annie